I feel free; free of negativity, free of depression, free of everything that used to hold me back.
A couple of years ago I struggled with depression. I didn’t really think I was depressed or thought about it that way; I just knew I wanted to die. I used to think about what would happen if I committed suicide. How everyone would react (I’m always putting other people before myself). I even brought myself to attempt it once but my mom called me and made me stay in her room. She didn’t know what I was up to but she did it because of what was going on. I don’t remember if I thought that was a sign at the moment but I do now. It wasn’t my time.
Fake it till you make it
A lot of things used to make me depressed back then. I used to hold a lot in and fight back tears every day. At school, I used to force myself to put on my goofy face and amuse everyone like I always did. One time I couldn’t bring myself to do it and I kept to myself most of the day at school and everyone kept asking me what was wrong.
I had a crying schedule because my eyes always swelled up the next day if I cried at night so I knew not to cry during the week when I had school. I had to cry on Friday and Saturday nights and hold it in the rest of the week. No one knew this. No one knew until now.
Finally deciding to get out of my funk
I don’t remember what made me decide to fight my depression. I don’t know if it was that moment my mother knocked on my door or what. But it wasn’t easy. It took years. It was hard. I had to do it alone. I never told anyone. Not because I didn’t trust anyone or had anyone close to me but because I don’t like being vulnerable and I couldn’t bring myself to open up to anyone like that. I always feel like I’m arming people with ammunition to hurt me when I allow myself to be vulnerable to them. That’s how it usually turns out.
It’s crazy because the things that made me depressed would bring tears to my eyes at the thought of it…but I don’t remember what they were now. I remember the main thing because it’s an ongoing issue, but it amazes me how it doesn’t get to me like it used to because I changed the way I dealt with it and decided not to let it ruin me like before.
Confronting my issues first hand was the hardest and most courageous thing I’ve ever done in my life. It took years for me to build up the courage to do so and when I finally did I was met with the worse reaction possible. It definitely did not get any better whatsoever. But it was something that was out of my control so I commended myself for trying and I realized that the only way to deal with it was to change the way I reacted. I feel like I’m making this sound easier than it actually was because I actually cried for weeks after I confronted my demons because of how it turned out. It took a long time for me to come to this point.
The Aftermath: Finally feeling free
After I dealt with the deep-rooted issues that held me back to the point where I don’t cry when I think of it, I felt like a great weight was lifted off my shoulders. I definitely wasn’t happy at that point but I wasn’t depressed anymore. I don’t remember much about the time in my life after because it definitely wasn’t perfect. There were still other things holding me back but the big things were gone.
Fast forward to now – I developed a healthier mindset that has truly lead to happiness. One of the things I noticed is that since I dealt with my depression, every time life throws a curveball at me, it doesn’t break me down. I don’t feel like things are falling apart because it doesn’t add to the weight that was on my shoulder. I think that’s one of the best things about my life right now, and one of the best things I’ve realized that came about from defeating my depression. In addition, the confidence that surfaces when dealing with issues helps as well because now I feel like if I got myself out of depression, what can’t I get myself out of? Like, am I really going to let something small ruin my day or my mood? Definitely not.
I just feel so good and I wish everyone could feel it too. I wish I could help everyone get to this point but it’s a choice I had to make and it’s a choice that others have to make themselves as well. I’ve learned that you can’t force or influence that choice in others.
If you want to know the books that have helped me reach this point, you can find them here.
Until next time love,