I was in love with my best friend for 6 years and a few months ago he told me he was gay and that he had been seeing this guy for a while. Actually, I found out before he told me and then he laughed and asked me how I found out. He thought the whole thing was hilarious. Of course, I played along because I couldn’t believe that he thought it was a joke. Then I forced myself to try to tell him that I was hurt and he told me that this was a big moment for him and that I shouldn’t make it about myself…and then continued to deal with it in a joking matter… and I played along too – with tears in my eyes.
The first thing that came to mind was the time he sent me a picture from tumblr talking about how people claim all these things to be fears but my biggest fear is someone falling out of love with me. This became my reality. I was so confused. I was even more hurt because the reason I was in love with him was because of how comfortable I felt talking to him about any and everything. But when I needed to the most he shut me out and made me feel like I couldn’t. I couldn’t. I thought my world was falling apart the few days following that but then I put some thought into it and I actually got over the situation quicker than I expected thanks to my new mindset and the fact that it was just another feather/curveball, nothing major. I think the very fact that I’m sitting here writing this and thinking about it and I’m not crying to feeling hurt at all is a testament that I’m actually completely over him. I honestly never thought it would get to that point, given everything that we’ve been through in 6 years. Especially not as fast as I did as well. Let me get into the full story and talk about everything here since that’s the one thing I can’t talk to him about.
I fell in love with him because of how comfortable I was being myself with him. Like really myself. I don’t want to say that I have different faces I put on for different people but it’s like some people see some parts of me and others see other sides of me but I showed him everything and it was reciprocated. I got so close to him because I didn’t let anyone see every side of me like that because I didn’t get comfortable with everyone in my life so I naturally drew toward him. What I realized over the years of loving him was that we are 100% comfortable in talking about everything BUT our feelings toward each other. We dated once but I don’t really count it because it wasn’t a real relationship to me. We never even went on a date alone and I didn’t feel comfortable talking about my feelings with him when we were together because of how he rejected it.
What made me get over him so quickly was the fact that I realized I was in love with the idea of being with him and having something real. I fell in love with the potential of what we could create together rather than what we had. I never really opened up myself to any boy I’ve liked in the past and since I was so comfortable with him I felt like it was the only chance I’d ever have something real. When he broke my heart I soon realized all of this and started to think of what we actually had..which was nothing. Don’t get me wrong we had a great friendship and everything but in terms of what I saw in my head…there was nothing even hinting at the possibility of that other than the false promises and hope he gave me when he knew all along that he would never deliver it.
I think that’s what ended up hurting the most – the fact that he knew but still strung me along. Like it was all just a game. It’s funny cause he always complains about people leaving him and mistreating him and everything and I tried my hardest to do the opposite and show him that I’d always be there for him but it was never appreciated. That made me realize that no matter what you do for people and how hard you try, some people will just never appreciate that and you can’t influence their decision.
It took everything in me to continue loving him the way I did without getting anything in return. I used to regret it but now I’ve made peace with it. At the end of the day I know I did everything I could. Whether he ever realizes it or not is not even important to me anymore because I’ve realized you can’t force people to appreciate you. One thing I know for sure is that I’m never going to look back. I decided to be just his friend and not let this affect our friendship but sometimes it’s like he drops hints bringing it up or trying to show appreciation for me. I definitely don’t need it lol. It would have made a difference a few months ago but now I feel like “okay thanks that’s nice.” No hate or anything, I just don’t appreciate him bringing it up like that. I’d prefer if he didn’t send me anymore songs *rolls eyes*
One thing I realized while reflecting on all those years was the fact that because I loved him, I never allowed myself to love anyone else..while he looked for love in everyone else (but this is about me). There have been times I casually dated guys in between that but I made a conscious effort not to give off too much of myself or develop feelings because I knew what I wanted. Even when I was getting what I deserved I discarded the thought because it wasn’t who I wanted it from. I was unfair to these guys and I know it now. I also know that it was all for nothing. I don’t regret it because of course there were other factors involved, but when I thought of it I was like… wow……all that for someone who never appreciated me. It’s funny because I loved someone so much and did everything they wanted a person to do for them.. Only to constantly listen to them talk about how they wish they had someone to treat them this way, like I didn’t exist. Like I wasn’t doing enough. I would try harder because at the time I didn’t realize that I deserved better – I deserved it to at least be reciprocated. But now I do and it’s refreshing.
I have nothing bad to say about the situation or no negative thoughts or regrets toward it. I’m just grateful for everything I’ve learnt. Despite being hurt at first, I’m happy things finally ending. I’m happy that I’m not painfully waiting anymore. I got an answer. I can finally truly move on and love another person wholeheartedly. I’m definitely not in a rush; in fact, I’m not even interested in doing that right now because I prefer to focus on myself. But ever since my waiting ended, I’ve felt free. Truly free.